Life's War
Life's war wages on. The weapon's of the enemy - old familiar lies
slicing through the heart. You grip the slow bleed, it aches. Guilt
encircles, and shame makes a home. The enemy aims for the scars. The
wounds that strike the deepest nerve of pain.
Sometimes the shame of wounds makes us shrivel up and hide - to rather be left bleeding than to fight toward healing. Perhaps, if we don't name the wound, it doesn't exist. Hah, just the thoughts the enemy triumphs in. How can healing come if we deny the existence of our wounds? If we run from the battle of brokenness and pain?
So here I am. Naming my seasons battle wound. Loneliness. The name of the scar torn open. Shame. The name of the bleeding. In the last week, I've felt the attack. I ran. I hid. I denied. And yet, the wound was left gaping.
I'm thankful for fellow warriors who call the wound for what it is. The ones who step in the line of attack, and hold pressure on the bleeding places. The ones who pick me up and run with me toward the war Captain - the Healer - Victory found in His leading.
The wars wage when life doesn't look like we imagined. When our dreams feel impossible. When our passions feel numbed. It aches because our fulfillment in this life, in our dreams, in our passions - it's not found in this world. When we try to arrive at victory, as if it's something to be earned, as if it exists apart from the Creator of it - the lies flood in. "It's impossible. Your dreams are insignificant. No one cares. You're stealing others joy by sharing your battle. Ignore it. Get over it. It doesn't matter."
In this season of life's war - the weapons attack right in the most logical place. Yet somehow, the initial stab always feels shocking to my wounds. This season is marked with the reality that my life doesn't look as I had always imagined. Some of the deep dreams of my heart aren't being fulfilled in my way or my time. I ache for human companionship - for the intentionality of a life partner. And there's this unexplainable feeling deep inside my bones, that I was made to be a mother. I feel great purpose in my life as a nurse and have found a beautiful contentment in that. God has been so gracious to bring a sense of fulfillment through the ability to be, in one sense, a mother to sweet babies in the hospital for a time. And my life is full of dear friendships with great depth and joy. But I would be lying if it wasn't difficult to stand in this season, watching most friends enter relationships, become engaged, be married, and have babies. I feel selfish for thinking "Why me - God, why is this season so starkly different and lonely for me, when You know these deep desires of my heart?" I often hear the words - "Oh, but you're so young. God surely has someone for you, you just have to wait." While these comments are meant to be of comfort, and I am grateful for the effort of others, it still doesn't change the consistent ache in my heart. I feel a sense of shame in talking about it, because I recognize that others go a lifetime without these things - because I don't want those who have been blessed with these dreams to think I don't also have a deep sense of joy for them - because I am so blessed - because God has fulfilled deep desires and dreams in my heart - because God is working in me differently - because my fulfillment is not in these things but in Christ. However, I also know that God puts passions in our heart for a reason. He allows us to feel the ache deeply for a reason. I know others feel it too. And so I feel called to be vulnerable in this season. Because if you're here too, you're not alone. And these wounds are healed through slicing the enemy's heart of lies. And I want to be in battle with you - to be the fellow warrior that holds pressure on your wounds and runs with you toward the Healer.
I am so grateful for the joy found in this season - for the way God has drawn me to his heart and reminded me of His love for me - for the victory He proclaims over me - for the truth in His name alone - for the great and mysterious plan that He has for me - for the many passions and dreams in my heart - for the strength He cultivates in my weakness - for the courage to be vulnerable - for His mighty armor - for the things that hurt and the way that He heals - for His glory being revealed in it all.
Be encouraged to know, that in whatever season of life's war that you're in - you are not alone and you are never fighting alone. If you need to talk about it, know that the shame is just a lie, and that there is freedom and healing in the vulnerability of our wounds. And I'm happy to slice through the enemy's heart with you. If you need someone by your side or even if I can pray with you and for you. I want to. Let us fight together for the glory of His name.
"So to keep me from becoming proud, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from becoming proud. Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That's why I take pleasure in my weakness, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong." - 2 Corinthians 12:7-10
"Dear friends, don't be surprised at the fiery trials you are going through, as if something strange were happening to you. Instead, be very glad - for these trials make you partners with Christ in his suffering, so that you will have the wonderful joy of seeing his glory when it is revealed to all the world." - 1 Peter 4:12
"Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on all of God's armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.
Therefore, put on every piece of God's armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will be standing firm. Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God's righteousness. For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared. In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil. Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
Pray in the Spirit at all times and on every occasion. Stay alert and be persistent in your prayers for all believers everywhere." - Ephesians 6:10-18
Sometimes the shame of wounds makes us shrivel up and hide - to rather be left bleeding than to fight toward healing. Perhaps, if we don't name the wound, it doesn't exist. Hah, just the thoughts the enemy triumphs in. How can healing come if we deny the existence of our wounds? If we run from the battle of brokenness and pain?
So here I am. Naming my seasons battle wound. Loneliness. The name of the scar torn open. Shame. The name of the bleeding. In the last week, I've felt the attack. I ran. I hid. I denied. And yet, the wound was left gaping.
I'm thankful for fellow warriors who call the wound for what it is. The ones who step in the line of attack, and hold pressure on the bleeding places. The ones who pick me up and run with me toward the war Captain - the Healer - Victory found in His leading.
The wars wage when life doesn't look like we imagined. When our dreams feel impossible. When our passions feel numbed. It aches because our fulfillment in this life, in our dreams, in our passions - it's not found in this world. When we try to arrive at victory, as if it's something to be earned, as if it exists apart from the Creator of it - the lies flood in. "It's impossible. Your dreams are insignificant. No one cares. You're stealing others joy by sharing your battle. Ignore it. Get over it. It doesn't matter."
In this season of life's war - the weapons attack right in the most logical place. Yet somehow, the initial stab always feels shocking to my wounds. This season is marked with the reality that my life doesn't look as I had always imagined. Some of the deep dreams of my heart aren't being fulfilled in my way or my time. I ache for human companionship - for the intentionality of a life partner. And there's this unexplainable feeling deep inside my bones, that I was made to be a mother. I feel great purpose in my life as a nurse and have found a beautiful contentment in that. God has been so gracious to bring a sense of fulfillment through the ability to be, in one sense, a mother to sweet babies in the hospital for a time. And my life is full of dear friendships with great depth and joy. But I would be lying if it wasn't difficult to stand in this season, watching most friends enter relationships, become engaged, be married, and have babies. I feel selfish for thinking "Why me - God, why is this season so starkly different and lonely for me, when You know these deep desires of my heart?" I often hear the words - "Oh, but you're so young. God surely has someone for you, you just have to wait." While these comments are meant to be of comfort, and I am grateful for the effort of others, it still doesn't change the consistent ache in my heart. I feel a sense of shame in talking about it, because I recognize that others go a lifetime without these things - because I don't want those who have been blessed with these dreams to think I don't also have a deep sense of joy for them - because I am so blessed - because God has fulfilled deep desires and dreams in my heart - because God is working in me differently - because my fulfillment is not in these things but in Christ. However, I also know that God puts passions in our heart for a reason. He allows us to feel the ache deeply for a reason. I know others feel it too. And so I feel called to be vulnerable in this season. Because if you're here too, you're not alone. And these wounds are healed through slicing the enemy's heart of lies. And I want to be in battle with you - to be the fellow warrior that holds pressure on your wounds and runs with you toward the Healer.
I am so grateful for the joy found in this season - for the way God has drawn me to his heart and reminded me of His love for me - for the victory He proclaims over me - for the truth in His name alone - for the great and mysterious plan that He has for me - for the many passions and dreams in my heart - for the strength He cultivates in my weakness - for the courage to be vulnerable - for His mighty armor - for the things that hurt and the way that He heals - for His glory being revealed in it all.
Be encouraged to know, that in whatever season of life's war that you're in - you are not alone and you are never fighting alone. If you need to talk about it, know that the shame is just a lie, and that there is freedom and healing in the vulnerability of our wounds. And I'm happy to slice through the enemy's heart with you. If you need someone by your side or even if I can pray with you and for you. I want to. Let us fight together for the glory of His name.
"So to keep me from becoming proud, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from becoming proud. Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That's why I take pleasure in my weakness, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong." - 2 Corinthians 12:7-10
"Dear friends, don't be surprised at the fiery trials you are going through, as if something strange were happening to you. Instead, be very glad - for these trials make you partners with Christ in his suffering, so that you will have the wonderful joy of seeing his glory when it is revealed to all the world." - 1 Peter 4:12
"Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on all of God's armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.
Therefore, put on every piece of God's armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will be standing firm. Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God's righteousness. For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared. In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil. Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
Pray in the Spirit at all times and on every occasion. Stay alert and be persistent in your prayers for all believers everywhere." - Ephesians 6:10-18
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