Stagnancy
I apologize to those who have been waiting to hear about my recent trip to Puerto Rico. I could make a million excuses as to why I have not posted yet, but the honest truth is that I've been stagnant. This is something that has been going on for awhile. I have hit a strange place in my life, a kind of limbo between the beginning of adulthood and the rest of my life. I am young in age, yet I feel so old in mind. It's difficult to explain, but it has resulted in this dull, sluggish state in which I am unsure how to move out of. As I was reading my Bible this morning, a tiny piece of scribbled sermon notes dating back to March, fell from the pages. The title of this particular sermon was: "Why am I here?" I think this perfectly sums up my stagnancy. It is so easy to become frustrated in this stage of life. In the midst of studying, crazy schedules, and seemingly no purpose but school, it seems like a never-ending cycle. I often feel useless, I think; "How can God possibly use me in the midst of the stress and confusion of early adulthood?" But there lies the problem; "Me." The first sentence I read on my slip of sermon was this: "I am to consider myself last every day, not first." The core problem is that I am often so concerned with where I am, what I am supposed to be doing, what God needs from ME. The answer to the title question is this: I am here to love God for Who He is and what He does, simply because I adore Him. In the very root of this discovery is the antidote for my stagnancy. I must take myself out of the equation. I am stagnant because I am me-focused, when I must be Christ-focused.
One of my favorite aspects of Puerto Rico was the early mornings. I loved to sit in the salty breeze at the edge of the ocean and simply contemplate God's greatness. I suppose I cannot describe that as "simple," because His wonder goes far beyond even the vastness of the ocean. But, there is something so breathtaking about the seemingly-endless ocean. It makes me incredibly amazed at the power of such a beautiful creator. One of the first mornings I sat by the sea, I was reading Mended (the book I have been reading alongside my devotions), and Angie Smith wrote this: "What God needs from me is the sweat rolling down my neck and a heart that believes He can use me." This is exactly what I've come to realize about my stagnancy. I need to desire Christ in such a dependent, striving, fearful way that I am striving to know Him in such depths that figurative and even literal sweat is rolling down my neck. When we desire God in such a deep way, it can take us far out of our comfort zone (I think this is where the sweat starts to drip). However, don't let the idea of shattering the glass box of your comfort zone scare you! The following morning in my devotions was all about trust. When we begin to know God's character on this kind of level, we begin to see how trustworthy He really is. Trust is a learning process. When we dive first into Christ-lead uncomfortable circumstances, we have to trust God with our whole being, and this is where we see that literally nothing can separate us from His peace when we live in total dependence.
I also love to journal reflections of my trips while I am there, as my memory often fails me when I try to recall the many thoughts I had while there. Here is a bit of my reflection from my journal(I hope it's not too jumbled to follow):
5/8/15
Puerto Rico is a beautiful place, much like Costa Rica. I feel as though I haven't taken the time to really soak up the presence of God in a new place. Our team has been very busy with projects for the Unichallenge that will take place at Camp Caribe. We've put in a lot of hard work, and it's so exciting to see the way God works through the Marshalls (the missionaries who run Camp Caribe). I am so refreshed by their realness and their transparent love for Jesus. Our team is much different than my team in Costa Rica. It is composed of students from Waynesburg, many of whom I had not known or even seen prior to this trip. It's so cool to see the instant bond we all have.
Last night, I really began to process much of life for the first time in awhile. Dr. Bush (our trip leader) asked us to share about our missions experience. Although I was not ready to do so at the time, I began to think about what missions has meant for me. My first trip to Costa Rica was shortly after Amber went to heaven, and my second was shortly after Charlie went to be with Jesus. I've realized that missions have been so much of a healing process, as well as discovering new things about my God. I've gone through so much in the past few years. I thank God for that. I am amazed by the way God can take the harshest, most painful, hurt-filled things in my life to show me His grace, mercy, overwhelming goodness, and unconditional love. I sit in awe of what He has done in my life and continues to do. As I reflect on what this mission experience is meaning to me, I am once again awestruck by God. His timing is simply incredible. I think of how God orchestrated a way for me to come. How He not only lead me to Waynesburg, but how he clearly opened up the doors to experience life and love in a new place. He knew what I would go through at school, He knew what I would go through on this trip, and He knew that I would learn so many new things because of them. I am once again overwhelmed by his overabundant goodness, which reminds me of Psalm 27:13, which has been so present in my mind the past few months. I truly will and do see His goodness, even on earth where it sometimes seems so difficult.
As I contemplate what missions means to me, I think of Micah 6:8; "What does the Lord require of you? But to do justice, love mercy, and walk humbly with your God." As a missionary once shared, this means to love big and walk small. That's exactly what missions means to me: loving people big (with the love of Christ) and walking with humility (recognizing that everything is orchestrated by God- nothing is about me).
-Just a quick side note about God's timing. It is clear to me how incredible God's timing has been in my missions experience. John Marshall's niece shared in devotions yesterday about her time of loneliness (particularly in finding a spouse) and the way God had such beautiful timing as she followed His will. This is something that I relate to perfectly at this time in my life. I was amazed at how God gently reminded me once again to wait on Him, because He is good.
5/13/15
I am finally home for the summer. It's been a crazy couple of weeks, with lots of traveling, and it's been wonderful, but I am also ready to just be with my family for awhile. I am just beginning to process Puerto Rico. My mind keeps wandering to the many thoughts I had throughout the trip, specifically concerning missions, a spouse, and trusting God enough to let go of my continuous worries. It's kind of crazy how God displays such clear messages to me. I just opened my Jesus Calling for today and this is the question it asked: "Do you trust me to orchestrate your life events as I choose, or are you still trying to make things according to your will?" I get so caught up in my desires that I fail to just trust God. Not only do I need to surrender my worries, but I need to be on the lookout for what He is doing in my life. I need to look for ways to grow instead of being so focused on my many concerns. The greatest act of worship is surrender. 1 Peter 5:6-7; "Therefore, humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you."
I am continually striving to know God in a "sweat-rolling down my neck" kind of way, rather than that of a stagnant puddle. I thank all of you who pray for me as I seek God's will in missions and life. You are some of my greatest blessings.
One of my favorite aspects of Puerto Rico was the early mornings. I loved to sit in the salty breeze at the edge of the ocean and simply contemplate God's greatness. I suppose I cannot describe that as "simple," because His wonder goes far beyond even the vastness of the ocean. But, there is something so breathtaking about the seemingly-endless ocean. It makes me incredibly amazed at the power of such a beautiful creator. One of the first mornings I sat by the sea, I was reading Mended (the book I have been reading alongside my devotions), and Angie Smith wrote this: "What God needs from me is the sweat rolling down my neck and a heart that believes He can use me." This is exactly what I've come to realize about my stagnancy. I need to desire Christ in such a dependent, striving, fearful way that I am striving to know Him in such depths that figurative and even literal sweat is rolling down my neck. When we desire God in such a deep way, it can take us far out of our comfort zone (I think this is where the sweat starts to drip). However, don't let the idea of shattering the glass box of your comfort zone scare you! The following morning in my devotions was all about trust. When we begin to know God's character on this kind of level, we begin to see how trustworthy He really is. Trust is a learning process. When we dive first into Christ-lead uncomfortable circumstances, we have to trust God with our whole being, and this is where we see that literally nothing can separate us from His peace when we live in total dependence.
I also love to journal reflections of my trips while I am there, as my memory often fails me when I try to recall the many thoughts I had while there. Here is a bit of my reflection from my journal(I hope it's not too jumbled to follow):
5/8/15
Puerto Rico is a beautiful place, much like Costa Rica. I feel as though I haven't taken the time to really soak up the presence of God in a new place. Our team has been very busy with projects for the Unichallenge that will take place at Camp Caribe. We've put in a lot of hard work, and it's so exciting to see the way God works through the Marshalls (the missionaries who run Camp Caribe). I am so refreshed by their realness and their transparent love for Jesus. Our team is much different than my team in Costa Rica. It is composed of students from Waynesburg, many of whom I had not known or even seen prior to this trip. It's so cool to see the instant bond we all have.
Last night, I really began to process much of life for the first time in awhile. Dr. Bush (our trip leader) asked us to share about our missions experience. Although I was not ready to do so at the time, I began to think about what missions has meant for me. My first trip to Costa Rica was shortly after Amber went to heaven, and my second was shortly after Charlie went to be with Jesus. I've realized that missions have been so much of a healing process, as well as discovering new things about my God. I've gone through so much in the past few years. I thank God for that. I am amazed by the way God can take the harshest, most painful, hurt-filled things in my life to show me His grace, mercy, overwhelming goodness, and unconditional love. I sit in awe of what He has done in my life and continues to do. As I reflect on what this mission experience is meaning to me, I am once again awestruck by God. His timing is simply incredible. I think of how God orchestrated a way for me to come. How He not only lead me to Waynesburg, but how he clearly opened up the doors to experience life and love in a new place. He knew what I would go through at school, He knew what I would go through on this trip, and He knew that I would learn so many new things because of them. I am once again overwhelmed by his overabundant goodness, which reminds me of Psalm 27:13, which has been so present in my mind the past few months. I truly will and do see His goodness, even on earth where it sometimes seems so difficult.
As I contemplate what missions means to me, I think of Micah 6:8; "What does the Lord require of you? But to do justice, love mercy, and walk humbly with your God." As a missionary once shared, this means to love big and walk small. That's exactly what missions means to me: loving people big (with the love of Christ) and walking with humility (recognizing that everything is orchestrated by God- nothing is about me).
-Just a quick side note about God's timing. It is clear to me how incredible God's timing has been in my missions experience. John Marshall's niece shared in devotions yesterday about her time of loneliness (particularly in finding a spouse) and the way God had such beautiful timing as she followed His will. This is something that I relate to perfectly at this time in my life. I was amazed at how God gently reminded me once again to wait on Him, because He is good.
5/13/15
I am finally home for the summer. It's been a crazy couple of weeks, with lots of traveling, and it's been wonderful, but I am also ready to just be with my family for awhile. I am just beginning to process Puerto Rico. My mind keeps wandering to the many thoughts I had throughout the trip, specifically concerning missions, a spouse, and trusting God enough to let go of my continuous worries. It's kind of crazy how God displays such clear messages to me. I just opened my Jesus Calling for today and this is the question it asked: "Do you trust me to orchestrate your life events as I choose, or are you still trying to make things according to your will?" I get so caught up in my desires that I fail to just trust God. Not only do I need to surrender my worries, but I need to be on the lookout for what He is doing in my life. I need to look for ways to grow instead of being so focused on my many concerns. The greatest act of worship is surrender. 1 Peter 5:6-7; "Therefore, humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you."
I am continually striving to know God in a "sweat-rolling down my neck" kind of way, rather than that of a stagnant puddle. I thank all of you who pray for me as I seek God's will in missions and life. You are some of my greatest blessings.
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