Be Still

"Be still, and know that I am God." - Psalm 46:10

A verse which I have heard countless times throughout my life, yet, somehow I have managed to completely misunderstand its message. I have an introverted personality, so being still has never been a problem for me. I deeply enjoy being alone in the solitude of a quiet place. I find my delight in nature or being so captivated by a book that I have lost sense of the world around me. For me, the idea of being still was always so simple. However, over the course of the past year at Waynesburg, God has given new meaning to the words "be still" in my life. Bear with me as I unfold the past year of my life with you. As I write, 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 comes to mind:

"and He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is

 made perfect in weakness. Therefore, most gladly I will rather

 boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 

Therefore, I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions,

 in distresses, for Christ's Sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 

 My life is messy, I am broken, and I am weak. However, I have experienced God's grace and goodness to new depths within some of the most difficult months of my life. I admit that it is difficult to talk about the pain in my life and the mistakes that I have made, however, I desire to be transparent and vulnerable about my struggle, because I know that through God's perfect strength He can use my weakness for His glory. As I write, I pray that my words would be an encouragement to you. I pray that if you relate to me in some way, you know that you are NOT alone. If the Holy Spirit is nudging some area of your life, please do not ignore it. God will truly mend your brokenness and create beauty out of destruction, when you simply be still in His presence. 

I headed into the 2015 fall semester excited, yet a bit lost. I originally would have been a junior in the nursing program this past year, however, I had to retake a difficult class and it resulted in an "extra" year at Waynesburg. I was admitted into Waynesburg as a sophomore, rather than a freshman right out of highschool, due to the many credits I took at community college in high school. I was thrown directly into the nursing program, with no medical knowledge whatsoever. It was one of the most challenging, stressful, and exhausting years of my life. I had not made solid connections within my nursing class, as most of them had experienced freshman year together and had already formed groups within our class. I met a lot of people during my first year. I felt as though I knew the majority of campus, yet I still felt so lonely. I had a great roommate and made a few other lasting friendships, yet I longed for deeper connection. As I headed into my second year as a sophomore at WU, I was terrified that I did not have what it takes to make it through nursing school, I felt like an outsider once again entering a new class of nursing students, I felt confused and lonely, and I wondered whether I was truly following God's plan for my life. 

I spent the majority of my time with close guy friends during the first semester. I love them and I am thankful for the places they have had in my life, but I recognize now that those friendships were not encouraging me to deepen my walk with Christ. I was happy to have people who accepted me and seemingly wanted to spend time with me, but I failed to recognize how destructive relationships of any kind can be when I let them take precedence over God in my life. I eventually allowed a close friendship turn into a relationship of sorts. I knew the whole time that it was not the kind of relationship that God desired of me or that I desired of myself, yet I felt secure and loved and so I allowed it to become the focus of my life. We live in an age where "talking" has replaced dating. My generation has fallen prey to the idea of convenient relationships. This type of relationships does not pursue future, rather, it focuses on temporary pleasure that can be easily disposed of and replaced. I allowed my temporary pleasure to convince my mind that my actions were justified because I was not "actually" in a relationship. I pushed aside feelings of guilt and shame, I ignored the advice of Godly friends, I ignored the emptiness, and I convinced my heart that its hurt was an illusion. I compromised years of standards I had created for myself. I broke covenants I had made with God. To many, my actions seemed minor and even typical in our world. To my friends, I was still considered the "good girl" who had maybe just become a little bit more "normal." But the truth is, sin is truly a slippery slope. I did not have to have sex with someone to be sinning. My actions were in lust and impurity regardless of their severity. Modern society has a way of putting labels on sin. For example, a kiss may be considered a mistake, but in most eyes, not a sin whatsoever. Whereas, sex outside of wedlock? It seems to be the unforgivable sin within the church. But the truth is this: it is a matter of the heart. Jeremiah 17:9-10: 

"The heart is more deceitful than all else and is desperately sick;

who can understand it? I, the Lord, search the heart,

I test the mind, even to give to each man according to his ways,

according to the results of his deeds." 

Sin is not something we can label because God is the only one capable of knowing our hearts and minds. I allowed my heart and mind to have intimacy with another person in a way that did not draw me closer to Christ and was founded on impurity. 

I still spent time with God, but I was in a state of numbness. I could not grow in Christ because He did not truly have first place in my life, as I tried to convince myself of. Not only was my relationship with Christ suffering, but also my relationships with friends and family. Sin has a tricky way of  convincing the mind that it is right and everyone else is wrong. It created an attitude within my heart that was sour and destructive. My mind battled constantly with the decision of further pursing a serious relationship or cutting it off. My convictions still tried their best to convince me to end the relationship, while my lust fought to deepen that relationship. I convinced myself that planting myself somewhere in between was my best choice. I thought that I could mend his brokenness and show him Jesus. I decided that I would not pursue a relationship, but we could still best friends, right? The problem is that once you reach a certain point of intimacy with another person, you cannot simply rewind to the place before that began and press play. I was unable to forget the feelings and desires I had. I constantly battled not to give into those desires, and just maintain friendship, but I continued to fail. I was not showing Him true Christ-like love. My love was selfish and hurtful. This resulted in heartache on both ends of the relationship. Neither of us could handle the pain of trying to maintain friendship, or the inconsistency of my words and actions. This led into spring semester, where my life continued to be wrecked. 

I knew that I could not live in this gray area anymore. My heart was constantly aching, I had no joy, and no desire to focus on anything else in life. I was constantly depressed and miserable, regardless of trying to convince people otherwise. I wanted Christ in my life, but I felt so numb and so distant. I cried out to God, but my cries were often that he would resolve the situation in the way that I desired. I constantly failed to surrender all of me and all of my situation. An opportunity arose for a weekend retreat known as Kairos. The retreat is a complete secret until you arrive. All that I knew was that the purpose was to deepen your roots in Christ. I heard from several people that it was an incredible retreat, and my roommate mentioned wanting to go. I was pretty wary of the whole "secret" thing, but I knew that I needed some kind of intervention in my life, so I figured I would give it a shot. Little did I know how long God had been perfectly preparing the timing of this retreat in my life. One idea of the retreat is that you are on "God's time." How incredibly appropriate at this time in my life. I was surrounded by 30 or so other Waynesburg students, all with the desire to deepen their faith. I desired this too, yet I was numb and guarded as I headed into the retreat. God's timing with the people he placed in my life that weekend, and the vulnerability of the retreat truly shook me. In the midst of a rock bottom place in my life, God completely wrecked me again. But this time he wrecked me with love. The best comparison I can make is that I was a grain of sand that over the last few months had been constantly turned and smashed against the weight of difficult circumstances, and had now been washed ashore, being continuously drowned in endless waves of love. My feelings of numbness and distance were replaced with the inexpressible love of God and His children. I was forced to deal with 20 years of emotions that I had shoved in the furthest corner of my mind. It was the beginning of God's miraculous transformation of my mind and heart. Over the course of the rest of the semester, I continued to deal with hurt and pain, but I slowly, piece by piece, learned to let go of all of my situation, rather than just bits of it.

I broke off the relationship that was hurting both of us. It was one of the most painful things I have ever had to do, and it still hurts to this day. I cannot take back the things I said or did, but I have received abundant grace and forgiveness in the Father's arms. The only peace I felt was in stillness with God. Prior to this point, my idea of stillness with God was a set time that I created for God to speak with me. I realized that I was putting limits on God, so I stopped trying to make God fit into my schedule. I quit putting a time limit on Him or expectations on my time with him. I began to spend my days and moments just sitting in His presence. I would open His Word before me, turn worship music on, and simply ask Him to show me what He has for my life. I spent countless mornings with tears pouring down my face for hours at a time. And that is when I discovered what stillness truly is. For me, stillness is an act of surrender. It's a place of simply letting go of every part of my life, of sitting in Christ's presence and feeling His grace, and of letting His love wash all of my hurt away. When I took the time to truly be still before Him, prioritize Him in my life, and know that He was my Savior, my Father, my Friend, and my God, He continued to reveal Himself to me. 

In the stillness of knowing my God, my life began to be transformed. God took the ugly parts of my life and He began to mend them. He took my sin and shame, my brokenness, and my weakness, and replaced it with purpose. I began to see the ways He was using my hurt to bless me. Even though I made choices that hurt me, others, and Himself, He blessed me. He began to take away my loneliness. In the stillness of His presence, I was complete. But He also gave me human connection. He placed friendships in my life that I had prayed for for years. I am encouraged daily by countless friendships with people who are truly pursuing Jesus and loving others well. I have found incredible joy in Christ, something that comes from being still and knowing that He is God and He is good. He has given me countless opportunities to use my mistakes and my hurt to encourage others. I am so excited to say that I will be a Kairos leader at the next upcoming retreat. My leader was so incredibly significant in my life, and the timing of my friendship with her was a serious blessing from God. I pray that God will use my story in someones life the way that my leader's story was so significant in mine. He also blessed me for prioritizing Him. Even when nursing school was pressing in from every side, I chose Him first in my days, and He blessed me and confirmed His plan for me to be in nursing school. God wants to bless us, but we cannot see those blessings when we are so blinded by our selfishness.

Healing is a continual process, and my heart is still aching in many ways, but my heart and mind are constantly renewed in my stillness. I do not know where you are right now. Maybe you have come to the same place I have and experienced the beauty of being still in Christ. But maybe you are in the place I was throughout the past year, maybe you are struggling with a difficult relationship or friendship, or maybe you feel like you have hit rock bottom in some other area of your life. I assure you this, there is no point of numbness, distance, or pain, where God cannot reach you and redeem you. He wants to mend your hurt, but you have to be willing to let Him wreck you. It takes vulnerability and honesty with yourself. It takes sorting through your mind and distinguishing between the lies of your mind and the truth of Christ. I promise you that there is no greater joy than being still and letting God redeem your brokenness. Some of my favorite verses that have been a constant reminder throughout this past year are Psalm 27:13-14:

"I would have lost heart, unless I had believed

that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the 

land of the living. Wait on the Lord;

be of good courage, and He shall strengthen

your heart; wait, I say, on the Lord!"

Be still and wait on God's perfect timing. Believe that you will see His goodness, because you truly will when you give Him every part of your brokenness. Do not lose heart, you are so loved by the Father!