Wrestler of My Heart
It has been too long since I've let my heart flow out on paper, at least for others to read. This is my fourth attempt (with weeks between each attempt) at sharing my thoughts. I've built walls - part protection, part fear. Every time I think that I grasp vulnerability, I am humbled by how difficult it can truly be. I wrestle with my humanness. Every day. But if I didn't, I wouldn't need the Father the way I do. I need Him in each moment. I need Him in each breath. He is my Sustainer. He is my peace, my hope, and my joy. I have spent the last year wrestling with fear. Two things I have realized: 1. It is human to fear. 2. I am not my fear - Jesus already conquered it with His perfect love on the cross. Do I still wrestle? 100%. I am human. And it hurts. But the beauty is that in my wrestling I become closer to the One who wrestles for my heart.
I recently read Katie Davis's book Daring to Hope. Each sentence speaks truth and life to my soul, but a specific paragraph grasped my attention and I just cannot seem to shake it's words out of my mind:
"I think that maybe courage is not at all about the absence of fear, but obedience even when we are afraid. Maybe courage is trusting when we don't know what is next, leaning into the hard and knowing that it will be hard, but more, God will be near. He is the God Who Will Provide. He will provide His presence, His strength, or whatever He decides we most need. Maybe bravery is just looking fear in the face and telling it that it does not win because I have known the Lord here. I have known the Lord in the long, dark night. Though we tremble and feel uncertain, courage means we press into a God who is certain, sure, steady. He carries us, He lifts our heads. And His unfailing love and comfort become our courage and our hope." - Katie Davis
"I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned. For as in one body we have many members, and the members do not all have the same function, so we, though many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another." -Romans 12:1-5
Maybe God's greatest gifts to us are our broken human experiences. Because in the brokenness, He grants us His grace. If our gifts differ according to His grace then it is no surprise that our passion (that which affects us) is a result of our hearts deepest aches. Where we have received grace, God desires to grant those same graces to others. What if we saw our gifts in this way? Rather than with fear or inadequacy at the forefront of our minds? To be gifted is a gift because in our spiritual gifts we know the greatest Gift intimately.
While I was considering the gift of my wrestling, I drew a little diagram of my realizations. I wasn't able to recreate it in circle form on this template, but imagine the arrows forming a circle if you can. (For those of you who are visual learners like me)
Giver → gave the greatest gift → the greatest gift is grace → grace gifts us → gifts given back to the giver → worship
"The recovery of passion begins with the recovery of my true self as the beloved. If I find Christ, I will find myself, and if I find my true self, I will find Him. Jesus is not the most important thing. He is the only thing. The recovery of passion starts with reappraising the value of the treasure, continues with letting the Great Rabbi hold us against His heart, and comes to fruition in a personal transformation of which we will not even be aware." -Abba's Child
The purpose of my wrestling, the gift of His great grace in my brokenness, is revealed in my gifts. That which I am affected by - my passions - don't have to be scary because in them I learn to define myself as His beloved. This changes everything.
"Behold, I am making all things new. Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true: It is done! I am the alpha and the omega. The beginning and the end. To the thirsty I will give from the spring of the water of life without payment." -Revelations 21:5-6
Dwelling on the promise that God is continually making all things new. As I head into a new year, I find hope in His great name - my beginning and end, my never-ending well of life. There are a lot of changes in store as I follow these passions to where His grace leads. Perfectionism fights uncertainty hard. But God has purpose and plans in all things and I know that I will not only one day look back and see His goodness, but I can choose to see His goodness now too. My prayer for the coming year is that I may not lose sight of His grace in all that is slowly unfolding before me. I don't necessarily have "goals," but this is my prayer in the year to come...
May I be present in His presence.
- Eyes that see
- Ears that hear
- A voice that praises
- Arms that reach
- Feet willing to move
- Awareness of my belovedness
- Mind renewed continually
- Joy and grace cherished
- A heart open wide to all that He has for me
May I fall more in love with love himself, poured out in the broken beauty redeemed on the cross.
"Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him e the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever! Amen." - Ephesians 3:20-21
I needed to read this, thank you for sharing your heart
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