The Beauty of New Adventures
If you don't already know this about me, I don't really go anywhere without a journal and pen. I have a deeply sensitive and analytical mind (an interesting combination, I know). I feel as though most of my days are spent trying to make sense of my many pathways of thought, which usually results in some sort of word-vomit on page after page of my well-worn journal. I have been patiently waiting for the moment that I have connected all of these thoughts, so that I might be able to gracefully express all that I am thinking and feeling with you. The truth of the matter is, I am just not there, and I am not sure that I will be. And maybe that's the way that God intended it to be - raw and messy and real. I am learning a lot about grace and what it means to be vulnerable in all that I am and all that I am not. Perfectionism is a very real battle of mine. But something that I have realized lately is that I tend to mark these tendencies as wrong and sinful and so I fight them. However, God has been reminding me that I was made in His image. The characteristics of my personality reflect Him. So my question lately has been, "What does it look like to glorify God in the characteristics of Him that I reflect?" The Lord created the world and humanity to have order and patterns and my desire for this is GOOD. But it becomes sinful when I manipulate these things in a grasp for control. I tend to lean toward control tendencies when I am uncomfortable, overwhelmed, or afraid. I think that's because in those moments things don't feel right, they feel broken. This was not the way things were intended to be and the harsh reality of sin is quite tangible in these moments. But I am always learning more of the beauty in the broken. I have learned that my analytical mind cannot rationalize the mystery of God and there is beauty in that itself. Ann Voskamp always has the perfect way of putting it:
Most days, I find myself running from the broken places. Somehow, I believe the lie that healing comes when I try to overcome or ignore the brokenness. I am often afraid of broken things because I am afraid of suffering. It doesn't make any sense because the most healing intimacy with Christ is found in these broken places, and ultimately that is what I long for most. It's difficult to lean into the broken and face sin and hurt, yet it is the most redemptive, grace-breathed place. I want to learn what it looks like to not run from these places, but to run toward them, breathing in His life-giving grace, and exhaling it in the broken places around me.
Two weeks from today, I will be on my way to Jinja, Uganda. A little over two months from now, I will be beginning my job as a pediatric nurse. In both of these places, I feel unprepared and inadequate. But I know that the Lord will equip me to walk in the broken places and give me the grace and strength seek beauty and declare truth. I am broken and walking into broken places, both in Africa, and in the hospital right here at home. But I find peace in knowing that it is in brokenness that I am made whole, that I am most intimately near the heart of Christ, and that I know abundance that brings forth a life of givenness to the world around me.
I am feeling a million things right now, and honestly much of what is happening in my life in the next weeks and months feels a bit like a blur. I greatly appreciate prayer as I navigate this path the Lord is leading me on. I will be taking my state board exam to become a registered nurse prior to leaving for Africa. Studying the last four years of learning in 2 weeks feels like a mountain-sized task, but I have known the Lord's provision and faithfulness so deeply throughout school, and I trust that His plan will be fulfilled in this place too. I will then travel alone (about a 30 hour trip) to Amani Baby Cottage in Jinja, Uganda. I am nervous to travel this far alone, as the longest solo plane ride I have taken was about 5 hours. Please pray for protection and God's grace in my travels. While serving at Amani, I will care for children from birth until 5 years. I will be involved in other ministries such as outreach in the village, and hopefully with the medical clinic. I wish that I could give you more details, but I will not know my full itinerary until arriving. Please pray for my heart to be receptive to each moment of this journey. Pray that I would not live in fear of my brokenness or the broken places around me, but that I would have the courage to walk in them, breathing in the beauty of God's grace and redemption. I honestly cannot begin to anticipate what God has in store over my time in Africa, or as I soon begin as a nurse, and I am trying not to put expectations on any of it. I am walking blindly, far outside of my comfort zone, but I find joy and peace in knowing the One who has gone before me and leads me as I walk. I am so excited to see how the Lord will continue to draw my heart to Him in all of these new and unknown places.
Out of the fullness of the grace that He has received, He thanks, and breaks, and gives away - and He makes a way for life-giving communion. A broken way. How does this make any rationale sense? It doesn't. But maybe that's the only way you ever know the greatest truths: The greatest truths always are the greatest paradox. And what could be a greater paradox than this? Out of feeling lavishly loved by God, one can break and give away lavish love - and know the complete fullness of love. The miracle happens in the breaking. Somehow... the miracle of communion, oneness, wholeness, abundance, it happens in the exact opposite - in breaking and giving. Somehow... the miracle, the intimacy, of communion comes through brokenness. What if a kind of communion is found in a trinity of brokenness - through broken places and broken people and being broken and given. When our own brokenness meets the brokenness of the world, don't we enter into and taste the brokenness and givenness of Christ? And isn't this the actual abundant wholeness of communion? Somehow I wonder if it's in shattered places, with broken people, we are most near the broken heart of Christ.
Most days, I find myself running from the broken places. Somehow, I believe the lie that healing comes when I try to overcome or ignore the brokenness. I am often afraid of broken things because I am afraid of suffering. It doesn't make any sense because the most healing intimacy with Christ is found in these broken places, and ultimately that is what I long for most. It's difficult to lean into the broken and face sin and hurt, yet it is the most redemptive, grace-breathed place. I want to learn what it looks like to not run from these places, but to run toward them, breathing in His life-giving grace, and exhaling it in the broken places around me.
Two weeks from today, I will be on my way to Jinja, Uganda. A little over two months from now, I will be beginning my job as a pediatric nurse. In both of these places, I feel unprepared and inadequate. But I know that the Lord will equip me to walk in the broken places and give me the grace and strength seek beauty and declare truth. I am broken and walking into broken places, both in Africa, and in the hospital right here at home. But I find peace in knowing that it is in brokenness that I am made whole, that I am most intimately near the heart of Christ, and that I know abundance that brings forth a life of givenness to the world around me.
I am feeling a million things right now, and honestly much of what is happening in my life in the next weeks and months feels a bit like a blur. I greatly appreciate prayer as I navigate this path the Lord is leading me on. I will be taking my state board exam to become a registered nurse prior to leaving for Africa. Studying the last four years of learning in 2 weeks feels like a mountain-sized task, but I have known the Lord's provision and faithfulness so deeply throughout school, and I trust that His plan will be fulfilled in this place too. I will then travel alone (about a 30 hour trip) to Amani Baby Cottage in Jinja, Uganda. I am nervous to travel this far alone, as the longest solo plane ride I have taken was about 5 hours. Please pray for protection and God's grace in my travels. While serving at Amani, I will care for children from birth until 5 years. I will be involved in other ministries such as outreach in the village, and hopefully with the medical clinic. I wish that I could give you more details, but I will not know my full itinerary until arriving. Please pray for my heart to be receptive to each moment of this journey. Pray that I would not live in fear of my brokenness or the broken places around me, but that I would have the courage to walk in them, breathing in the beauty of God's grace and redemption. I honestly cannot begin to anticipate what God has in store over my time in Africa, or as I soon begin as a nurse, and I am trying not to put expectations on any of it. I am walking blindly, far outside of my comfort zone, but I find joy and peace in knowing the One who has gone before me and leads me as I walk. I am so excited to see how the Lord will continue to draw my heart to Him in all of these new and unknown places.
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