Choosing Truth
The first week in Uganda was probably the most challenging. Needless
to say, my journal entries were lengthy. I tried to cut them down some,
but I also know that God is asking me to be vulnerable - to share the
raw and real of my heart. So if you're interested in reading, I
recommend some hot tea and a comfy chair.
6.15.18
I
really cannot fathom everything right now. It's hard to be present when
there is so much to take in and exhaustion/jet lag is so real. My
detail-oriented mind is overwhelmed. Adjustments are already difficult
for me to begin with - but this is challenging in many new ways. I am
thousands of miles away from home, wifi is iffy, and there are so many
cultural things to learn (e.x. how to talk, how not to offend or be
offended, currency & how to pay the right amount without being
ripped off, etc.). Anxiousness tries to creep in and I feel frustrated. I
want to be present - to absorb the beauty and joy of this place.
Instead, I feel homesick and fragile. A microscopic-sized curtain seems
to hold back the waterfall of tears waiting to be released at any
moment. I feel selfish. I know that it's okay to feel what I'm feeling,
but I have moments where I feel ashamed of my emotions - frustrated that
I'm so sensitive; feeling like I should be something other than what I
am - braver, bolder, less afraid, more gracious, more loving. But these
thoughts are such lies. I am beloved. This is what matters. I am
Christ's. He created me with great attention to detail and perfectly
designed to accomplish His plans for my life and this world. There is purpose in all that I am and all that I am not. And He is with me in these places. I
am loved. He makes that evident in His perfect provision for me - the
love and constant prayers of those back home, my mama's heart of love
and joy for me, a kindred soul in Olivia (another intern), the
understanding and kind heart of Laura (Amani's director), the smiles of
sweet babies, mama's who hug and welcome me, quiet time to myself, good
food, time for rest, scripture in my heart and mind.
Regardless of how I am feeling, it doesn't get to define how I walk through life. I can be afraid, but still obedient. I can be struggling, but still grateful. And that's what I will choose to do - see the beauty of my Jesus in this place. I am thankful..
Thoughts of purpose from Philippians 1:9-11:
"And
it is my prayer that your love may abound more and more with knowledge
and all discernment, so that you may approve what is excellent, and so
be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of
righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise
of God."
Lord,
You
are here with me. I am yours. I am loved. There is purpose in all
things. Thank you. Give me courage to be vulnerable in the days to come -
to let the tears flow and the laughter abound - to just be who you
created me to be - to love in the way that you call me to love, with the
gifts, ability and knowledge that you have given me. Give me the
strength and peace to be present - to absorb the beauty in this
place - to know Your heart more deeply. Give me the humility to
surrender all that I am and all that I am not, that in You, I may be
more whole. That my joy would be full, so that you might be glorified in
my life and that your kingdom would abound in this "already, but not
yet" place. Draw me nearer and nearer to Your heart, that is my prayer.
Amen.
In
other, unrelated news, I don't like roaches. Dead or alive. And
jack-fruit? It's really weird, not sure that it's bad, just weird.
6.16.18
It's
going to take some time to get used to sleeping here. The rooster is
serious about his 4:30am wake up call and ear plugs like to make home in
my bed rather than my tiny little ears. I'm still adjusting, and I know
that it will take some time. But I'm not going to let how I'm feeling
keep me from joy or seeing the Lord's goodness in this place. In fact, I
think wrestling with anxious feelings and sensitive emotions makes the
goodness of the Lord that much more evident. For that I am thankful.
I'm sitting outside on the porch, watching these sweet children play
outside. One of the children has cerebral palsy (CP) and another has
several similar congenital conditions. I am amazed at the way that they
move and play. I remember having CP patient's during my pediatric
rotation in nursing school. Every single one was bed-bound with
contractured limbs and pressure ulcers. I know that it may just be a
matter of severity, but I can't help and wonder if the lifestyle here
has helped them. The staff encourage independence and freedom of play,
but also maintain consistency with each of the children equally.
"Ah,
Lord God! It is You who have made the heavens and the earth by your
great power and by your outstretched arm! Nothing is too hard for you."
-Jeremiah 32:17
10:20pm
Fear
is frustrating. I'm exhausted and overwhelmed. It's difficult to quiet
my mind and heart before the Lord without having quiet space to myself.
The enemy sees my exhaustion and frustrations and tries to whisper lies
into my mind...
God,
continue to teach me to surrender with my whole heart and believe the
truth of your character with my whole heart. Some days it feels so
difficult. Choosing the Truth...
Lord,
Open
my eyes to see the truth of You, which is SO far greater than me. I
know that You are teaching me what it means to full-heartedly surrender.
Thank you. It's so difficult some days. But I know that you are
revealing yourself, and God, I praise you for that. You are so good to
me, to love me this deeply - to allow me to struggle and hurt, that I
may know the richness of your comfort and love to greater depths. Thank
you for loving me through Your word, Your peace, Your friendship, and
Your children. Give me strength to work through the things that you have
laid on my heart, and to see your hand in all of it. Teach me to live
in the freedom of joy, found in you. I trust your plans.
Amen.
"No
temptation (not even fear or doubt) has overtaken you that is not
common to man. God is faithful, and He will not let you be tempted
beyond your ability, but with the temptation He will also provide the
way of escape, that you may be able to endure it." -1 Corinthians 10:13
His deep, all-encompassing love is my escape from the temptation to fear.
God in the moments...
6:00pm
I
think that I'm struggling because I don't really know where God is
leading me. All I know is that I am a nurse. The idea of moving abroad
(something I've felt called to for many years) suddenly feels really
scary and difficult. I don't need to now anything other than the present
day. That's God's plan for me - to know Him in these moments and to
live as an example of the gospel's work, so that He might be glorified.
It's difficult when friends are getting married, having babies, moving,
etc. My life feels different than what I had planned in my mind. The
unknown is hard. But God is faithful. That I know.
"My
horizons were being expanded in the most amazing ways; my perspectives
were being changes every day; and my faith was being challenged and
stretched. All of this was exciting to me. I didn't want to admit that,
in the midst of such a wonderful and invigorating experience, I
sometimes felt tangible pangs of loneliness when I thought about how
many miles I was from the people I loved. I spent many hours curled up
in a ball on my lumpy twin bed, sweltering, often in the dark, and
crying - partly because I missed my family. Sometimes, I cried because I
was simply exhausted."
-Katie Davis
6.18.18
Joy is Jesus in the moment.
I'm
exhausted and feel like I could have a good cry, but today, I most
definitely saw Jesus in the moment. It was the first day of my work
routine. I spent time with the nurse doing some assessments on the
children, and also spent time helping in the preschool. But the moment
that sticks out to me more than anything was when I was outside playing
with my boys. Michael and I were walking around the yard and he asked me
to sit down with him. He picked up a big rock from beside the fence. He
looked up at me a huge grin and said, "Jesus is my Rock! And my
Fortress! And my Deliverer!" ...."Now, you say it." I felt tears well up
in my eyes. It was as if God was speaking directly to my heart through
this sweet little boy's words - "Mikayla, trust me more simply - trust
me like a child." I think this is what Jesus meant when he said to have a
childlike faith. Stop complicating it. Take Jesus to be who He says He
is, and walk in that truth. Oh, how much I complicate the Gospel. Jesus,
teach me to trust you like a child. To stop living in fear and actually
live as if I truly believe that You are who you say You are.
I understand what Katie Davis meant when she said that she felt joy
and exhaustion and loneliness - they're all very real emotions. And it's
hard. But God is in them all and working all things for good. I'm
struggling to journal tonight because today was so full and
overwhelming, in the best way.
Jesus in the moment (JOY) today...
| ||||
Comments
Post a Comment