Anyway.
I am very thankful that God has given me a love (and absolute need) for pouring my heart out on paper. If it weren't for my journals, I am not sure that I would be able to recap my thoughts and feelings very effectively. Below are some journal excerpts from the first few days of transition from America to Africa.
6.12.18
I leave for Africa tomorrow. I finished my NCLEX in 75 questions yesterday. I will find out in the next few days whether or not I am a registered nurse. How do I begin to wrap my head around all of this? I think the answer right now is that I can't. And that's okay. I'm just learning to ride the waves. There is joy in all that God has done to bring me to this place. There is beauty in the mystery of all that is unknown. I was created for such a time as this. How do I know? Because as long as there is breath in my lungs, there is purpose for me in this place. I think we often have this misconception that purpose is this great big moment where our life hits this climax of what we were made for. Like, "Oh, this is it!" But you know what? I think purpose is really revealed in the moments - where we learn to be loved by God, love Him in return, and allow all that we experience of Him to flow from our lives into those around us. I think God weaves all of these small moments into an incredible purpose that we cannot begin to fathom on this side of heaven. I hope that someday God gives us a glimpse of how it all weaves together. Not so that we can say "look what we did," but so that our hearts might be filled with deeper awe and wonder of His creative work in humanity.
I have a lot of insecurities about leaving tomorrow. But I have a lot of excitement because I know that God is far greater than all of my humanity. His grace and strength abound always within me because of the work of His Spirit. There are millions of thoughts, feelings, and to-do lists swirling around in my head, but I will rejoice. This is the day that the Lord has made! Today, I will drown my anxieties and fear in joy and excitement because God has fulfilled a deep desire of my heart - I'M GOING TO AFRICA!!! I am so excited to see how He shapes my heart in this season, and more deeply reveals His glory in this place.
6.13.18
I'm not sure what day it is. I'm on my last flight to Uganda. It feels like I've been traveling for days. My body is so confused from all of the time changes. I know that this first week is going to take some adjustment. I think maybe it will all hit me when I actually touch my feet to the red dirt of Uganda - a place I've only read about and dreamed about. It feels like it almost doesn't exist. It was 6 or 7 years ago when I read Kisses From Katie. That was the beginning - when God began to change my perspective about living the gospel. He began to instill this deep love within me - for other cultures and diverse people and broken places and healing. I didn't know at the time how I could feel such love and passion for places I had never been and for people I had never met. Over the years, I have dreamed of coming to this place, but I'm not really sure that I ever believed that God would fulfill this passion in my heart. By His mighty grace and abundant provision, I'm on a plane to Africa. I have no idea what He has in store - and the unknown of it all scares me a bit, but I know that He has gone before me and is with me now. His plans are so good - in this moment, in this month, in all of my life. I pray that through it all, I might know and love my Father more deeply. that my perspective of life and creation and eternity might grow, and that my heart would know greater gratitude and joy because I have experienced Him in this new season. God continually reminds me to find joy- from the moments in the garden at home, the day before I left, when I marker-tattooed "rejoice" on my arm - to the sweet, little dark-skinned girls laughing at their reflections in a mirror at the Amsterdam airport - to my mama's letter reminding me of Psalm 16, that in the Lord's presence there is fullness of joy.
I'm exhausted, my head aches, and this is truly just the beginning of the unknowns, but I rest in this:
6.14.18
*First night in Jinja
Fear tries to make an appearance tonight. I am so far from home, in a strange land. A land that I've dreamed about coming to. It's out of my comfort zone and that feels scary. On the 3 hour car ride from the airport to Amani, my legs began to tremble and my chest felt tight with anxiousness. But I was reminded that I am already victorious in Jesus and I can hope expectantly that He will provide. He will enable me to love and be loved and to experience Him more deeply. It is evident that He has called me here at this time. Although I don't fully know His plan, I trust that He is good and that He will not leave me.
In my anxious thoughts, five weeks suddenly feels like forever. But I don't want to wish this time away. I want to find joy and beauty and goodness here. I want to know the Lord more deeply and trust Him more fully. I know that this journey will not always be easy. But I do know that my God will always be good and supply all of my needs, for His glory. I keep coming back to Philippians 4.
6.12.18
I leave for Africa tomorrow. I finished my NCLEX in 75 questions yesterday. I will find out in the next few days whether or not I am a registered nurse. How do I begin to wrap my head around all of this? I think the answer right now is that I can't. And that's okay. I'm just learning to ride the waves. There is joy in all that God has done to bring me to this place. There is beauty in the mystery of all that is unknown. I was created for such a time as this. How do I know? Because as long as there is breath in my lungs, there is purpose for me in this place. I think we often have this misconception that purpose is this great big moment where our life hits this climax of what we were made for. Like, "Oh, this is it!" But you know what? I think purpose is really revealed in the moments - where we learn to be loved by God, love Him in return, and allow all that we experience of Him to flow from our lives into those around us. I think God weaves all of these small moments into an incredible purpose that we cannot begin to fathom on this side of heaven. I hope that someday God gives us a glimpse of how it all weaves together. Not so that we can say "look what we did," but so that our hearts might be filled with deeper awe and wonder of His creative work in humanity.
I have a lot of insecurities about leaving tomorrow. But I have a lot of excitement because I know that God is far greater than all of my humanity. His grace and strength abound always within me because of the work of His Spirit. There are millions of thoughts, feelings, and to-do lists swirling around in my head, but I will rejoice. This is the day that the Lord has made! Today, I will drown my anxieties and fear in joy and excitement because God has fulfilled a deep desire of my heart - I'M GOING TO AFRICA!!! I am so excited to see how He shapes my heart in this season, and more deeply reveals His glory in this place.
All of my life, in every season
You are still God
And I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship
I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory
And He is here
6.13.18
I'm not sure what day it is. I'm on my last flight to Uganda. It feels like I've been traveling for days. My body is so confused from all of the time changes. I know that this first week is going to take some adjustment. I think maybe it will all hit me when I actually touch my feet to the red dirt of Uganda - a place I've only read about and dreamed about. It feels like it almost doesn't exist. It was 6 or 7 years ago when I read Kisses From Katie. That was the beginning - when God began to change my perspective about living the gospel. He began to instill this deep love within me - for other cultures and diverse people and broken places and healing. I didn't know at the time how I could feel such love and passion for places I had never been and for people I had never met. Over the years, I have dreamed of coming to this place, but I'm not really sure that I ever believed that God would fulfill this passion in my heart. By His mighty grace and abundant provision, I'm on a plane to Africa. I have no idea what He has in store - and the unknown of it all scares me a bit, but I know that He has gone before me and is with me now. His plans are so good - in this moment, in this month, in all of my life. I pray that through it all, I might know and love my Father more deeply. that my perspective of life and creation and eternity might grow, and that my heart would know greater gratitude and joy because I have experienced Him in this new season. God continually reminds me to find joy- from the moments in the garden at home, the day before I left, when I marker-tattooed "rejoice" on my arm - to the sweet, little dark-skinned girls laughing at their reflections in a mirror at the Amsterdam airport - to my mama's letter reminding me of Psalm 16, that in the Lord's presence there is fullness of joy.
I'm exhausted, my head aches, and this is truly just the beginning of the unknowns, but I rest in this:
"I have set the Lord always before me; because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices; my flesh also dwells secure. For you will not abandon me to Sheol, or let your holy one see corruption. You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore."
-Psalm 16:8-11
6.13/14.18
*Thoughts on the drive to Amani from the airport:
- Walking out of the airport - greeted by Susan (one of Amani's administrators) - the joy of Jesus is evident in her already.
- It's so dark - not lit up by a million highways/billboards/buildings. There's a stillness in that.
- But it's not quiet by any means. Life doesn't stop at night - 11:30pm and the barber is cutting hair, the pharmacy is open, there's a man doing woodwork in a makeshift shop, stands everywhere sell food and goods, a million motorcycles everywhere.
- The air is thick with a fog of smoke from all of the open fires where people are cooking and selling anything and everything.
- DRIVING. They are NUTS. They drive on the opposite side of the road. I've thought more than once that we were about to have a head on collision. Everyone drives wherever they want and there doesn't seem to be any sort of traffic laws.
6.14.18
*First night in Jinja
Fear tries to make an appearance tonight. I am so far from home, in a strange land. A land that I've dreamed about coming to. It's out of my comfort zone and that feels scary. On the 3 hour car ride from the airport to Amani, my legs began to tremble and my chest felt tight with anxiousness. But I was reminded that I am already victorious in Jesus and I can hope expectantly that He will provide. He will enable me to love and be loved and to experience Him more deeply. It is evident that He has called me here at this time. Although I don't fully know His plan, I trust that He is good and that He will not leave me.
In my anxious thoughts, five weeks suddenly feels like forever. But I don't want to wish this time away. I want to find joy and beauty and goodness here. I want to know the Lord more deeply and trust Him more fully. I know that this journey will not always be easy. But I do know that my God will always be good and supply all of my needs, for His glory. I keep coming back to Philippians 4.
"Do not be anxious about anything. But in everything, by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me - practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you."
Lord,
I am struggling with fear tonight. I know that these feelings are just feelings, because you have already proclaimed victory over my life. I have no reason to fear because I am yours and you have purpose in this place. God, help me to see. To rest in truth and peace tonight, knowing that you are with me and You have already gone before me. Whatever this night, days, weeks, months, life brings, help me to be present in each moment with You. Thank you for your promises that bring comfort to my heart when I am afraid or don't feel like myself. May Your love and grace over me produce confident joy. Regardless of my circumstances or what I am feeling, teach me to stand firm anyway. Thank you that I never stand alone.
Amen.
Maybe the key to new life, depth, and endurance lay in the power of one word. Anyway.
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