Beginning Again.

There's this ache in my heart. This great yearning for something that I can't quite understand. For deep connection. For a different culture. Sometimes I wonder if I'm running from this monotonous lifestyle, or if I feel a different pace calling my name. One that seems more simple, more focused, more meaningful. Both, I suppose. I feel it everywhere I go - sometimes I classify it as loneliness or discontent. But most times, I just can't describe it.

I'm scared and tears want to fall. I'm excited and want to laugh at the complexity of it all. I'm a walking oxymoron, really. Yet, the Lord is my joy in all that I am, and all that I'm not. No matter what I'm feeling or what I lack to feel. I somehow always come back to this..

Joy is not a subjective feeling, but an objective reality of who God is.

 He's pushing me hard toward something. I can feel it. I just don't yet know what this something is. Maybe it's here or maybe it's on the other side of the world. Maybe it's tomorrow or maybe it's ten years from now.  Maybe it's one big thing, or a million little things. These feelings - this unknown - this waiting - it's all preparing me, shaping me, for something greater. Not because there is some greatness in me, but because the Spirit is within me, and He alone is great. He's making something out of nothing. And the creating, the refining, the making-new - it's not easy. But I'm learning to be okay with it all. When we hold on, through the fire, we begin to shine with the Light that can never really be put to shame. Others will try to darken it. Maybe from their own place of guilt or shame or insecurity. Maybe because they're longing for the Light within too. May all of this mess lead us to the Maker.


 There's something about a pen in hand that unfolds my mind - that de-tangles the well-worn pathways. I don't let it happen enough. Or maybe I just don't share it enough. It's complicated and challenging. Sometimes my pain tolerance and patience are too low. God, make me strong. Make me bold. Make me willing.

Here's to beginning again. To sharing my questions. To allowing the Maker to keep making me.